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Drew Magary's annual article from Defector.
Here they are. The Minnesota Vikings: football’s Best Supporting Actor winner for the 65th straight year.
Your 2024 record: An utterly fraudulent 14-3. I am a Vikings fan. Who thought that 14-3 record officially made his team a Super Bowl contender? I did. Who bought all the way into Sam Darnold, texting his buds, “He really might be the guy”? Me. Who complained that the refs cost the Vikings that Thursday night game against the Rams, even though they had no shot of winning that game either way? Me again. Who, dear reader, went into Week 18 fully convinced that his team would wrap up the No. 1 seed against a Lions team they’d already lost to? And who thought the Vikes’ Wild Card game against L.A. was a layup because the Rams had been forced out of their own stadium by a ravaging wildfire? ME ME ME ME ME ME. I may as well live in a fucking dunk tank.
You might think last year taught me something about being delusional, and you’d be right. Unfortunately, as you’re about to find out, I learned all of the wrong things. But let’s get into the nitty-gritty of 2024 before I get back to yelling at myself.
Unlike the 13-win Vikings of 2022, the 2024 edition ended the season with a positive net point differential, so that was nice. Less nice was the fact that they had the exact same weaknesses, enough for them to enter the postseason with FRAUDS spray-painted across their helmets. Just like 2022, the Vikings had one of worst pass-blocking interior lines in football, zero interior pass rush, a QB whose gaudy stats meant nothing in the big picture, and an enraging inability to hold onto big leads. Even Caleb Williams put the fear of God into them for a game, and Caleb Williams plays football like he’s having a three-hour seizure.
All along the way, the Vikings had to plug leaks in the hull. LT Christian Darrisaw tore his knee up in L.A., so they had to trade for Jags scrub Cam Robinson, who couldn’t block a gnat by the time December had rolled around. New RB Aaron Jones started off hot until the Vikings learned, well after Green Bay had, that giving Jones more than 20 touches a game leads to the man tweaking every soft tissue in his body. So they traded at midseason for RB Cam Akers, somehow for the second season in a row. Also for the second season in a row, it made no difference. They also had to sign an emergency kicker after their prized rookie kicker hurt himself. When that rookie finally made it back onto the field, he’d already contracted a classic case of Gary Andersonitis. And the only reason that Darnold got his career rejuvenation season is because the rookie QB they drafted was the victim of Minnesota’s annual “Oops actually he’s out for the year!” preseason injury.
However, 14 wins are 14 wins, and I was more than happy to convince myself that this was not yet another pop-up season that ends the way every other pop-up Vikings season ends. Jared Verse and the Rams disabused me of that notion when they sacked Darnold nine times in Arizona. We could have drafted Jared Verse. We drafted the second coming of Duane Clemons instead.
But this season? This season is gonna be different. Mark my words … mostly so that you can throw them back me when the same shit happens all over again.
Your coach: Well you know we’re feeling really good about where Kevin O’Connell is right now in his coaching journey, just sitting with him after practice and teaching him the whys of that journey and how that journey will potentially impact his players’ respective journeys and we’re really encouraged by the progress he’s making along that journey and that journey is on [busts into karaoke] the midnight train going anyyyywhere…
KOC is your reigning coach of the year for his work with Darnold, which earned him the unofficial title of “quarterback whisperer” from the media. Same as Mike Martz, and Norv Turner, and Marc Trestman, and so many other legendary head coaches who got that same praise. Do I think KOC is better than the men I just listed? I do. I think he’s the one: the coach who will finally achieve what no Vikings head coach ever has. Look how good he is at making shitty QBs serviceable for the first four months of any given season, and tell me that I’m wrong.
LOL Drew: All Kevin O’Connell does is win one-score games. His offense is so complex that WR Justin Jefferson went to him in the middle of last season and begged him to stop forcing Darnold to recite entire Tolstoy novels in the huddle. The second a run play fails, he goes air raid for the rest of the game. Every screen play he draws up results in the running back getting his shit ruined the second he catches the ball, three yards behind the line of scrimmage. He calls trick plays at the exact wrong time, and they always result in one of our backs throwing the ball to a wide open safety. Oh, and he got absolutely schooled by Brian Daboll in his first playoff game, then schooled even harder by old boss Sean McVay in his second go at it.
So who gives a fuck if the NFLPA gives KOC an A++++ every offseason? Nice wins nothing. Ask Andy Reid, who waterboards his players for the entire month of August and reaps the benefits come the New Year. Every year, I hear KOC tell media that the Vikings are gonna have a more physical play style, and every year, better teams cut through them like wrapping paper.
Your defensive coordinator is Brian Flores, who gets even better press than O’Connell even though his scheme is even more bespoke than the offense’s. Vic Fangio just won a title by pressing X on the Madden playcalling menu 600 times in a row. By contrast, Flores blitzes more often than a Panzer tank and wows the universe by lining up safeties at DT, only for skilled OCs to solve his crazy baby riddles by season’s end. He’s handsome Dom Capers.
Your quarterback: Would-be savior J.J. McCarthy, who has the entire franchise, not to mention the entire state of Minnesota, behind him. I too have fully bought into the kid. I love his arm talent. I love that he can throw on the run. I love the hint of moxie he gives off in press conferences. And I love what I’ve heard about the kid all through training camp. Did you know that McCarthy went directly to Flores and asked him questions about how to recognize certain defensive tendencies? What other young QB is gonna take that kind of initiative? This is the guy. The one. We’re not gonna win just one Super Bowl with J.J. McCarthy, but many of them. Look at the kid’s composure in the pocket this preseason and tell me I’m wrong.
LOL Drew: Well, McCarthy’s never played a single down in the NFL, and he only threw a grand total of 12 passes throughout his college career at Michigan. He’s also coming off a full meniscus repair that sidelined him all last season and cut his weight down to Christian Bale getting into character for The Machinist. He has trouble throwing out-breaking routes, which is exactly the kind of route that Jefferson specializes in. I spent six years trying to convince myself that Kirk Cousins could rise above his inherent flaws. I will spend double that amount of time doing likewise with J.J. McCarthy.
Minnesota elected to roll with the kid over Darnold, and even a very eager Aaron Rodgers, because they believe in him. Teams believed in Sam Bradford, too. It means nothing. You can do everything right and earn every Scout badge from the coaching staff, but you can still suck shit through a straw once the lights come on. But I’ve chosen to ignore all of that, because this is the first top-10 QB the Vikings have ever drafted. If you cheer for the Jaguars or Browns, you know firsthand that a top-10 QB is a 50/50 proposition at best. But my naive ass is sitting here all like, “This kid is special! He just has IT!” The only reason I feel better than I ever have about the Vikings’ long-term plan is because this is the first time they’ve ever had any long-term plan. Please shit on my face.
Behind McCarthy is Seattle castoff Sam Howell, who’s so fucking awful that the team is probably going to trade for his replacement as this preview goes live. Behind Howell is Brett Rypien, who’s even worse. Behind Rypien is UDFA Max Brosmer, who played one season at U-Minnesota. Fans here will be calling for him to start the second they see McCarthy buckle under pressure.
What’s new that sucks: I am so fucking hyped for this updated roster. Newly extended GM Kwesi Adofo-Mensah was just as sick as I was of watching the Vikings make the same fuckups every year. So he put on his Finance Wizard cape in March and rebuilt the interior of both lines entirely. Our new defensive interior includes monster DTs Jonathan Allen and Javon Hargrave. Our new O-line features former Colts teammates Will Fries and Ryan Kelly, plus OSU first-rounder Donovan Jackson. And if that wasn’t enough, Kwesi also yoinked RB Jordan Mason from the 49ers so that this team can make its first short-yardage conversion in 70 years. They also re-upped Byron Murphy as their CB1 and paired him with former Eagle Isaiah Rodgers, the latter of whom Flores personally scouted and vouched for. From top to bottom, this is one of the best rosters in the league. Look at the depth chart and tell me I’m wrong.
LOL Drew: Run that first string of wideouts by me again:
A portion of the depth chart showing that justin jefferson and jordan addison and jalen nailor are all injured or suspended
If the season is two weeks away and your team is openly, desperately hoping that Carolina will give you Adam Thielen for a Day 3 pick swap, that’s probably not a good sign. Jefferson tweaked his hammy on the second day of camp and hasn’t practiced since. WR Jordan Addison is out until Week 4 with a drunk Ferrari ride. That leaves WR Jalen Nailor as the best option left. A season ago, Nailor graduated from “guy who always gets hurt in camp” to “guy who isn’t all that good.” He just got hurt in camp. The cupboard is barren after that. Rondale Moore, the guy Minnesota hoped might add needed depth to that room, suffered a season-ending knee injury in the preseason for the second straight year. Dagger. Jefferson says he’ll be ready for the MNF opener at Chicago, but I’ve met that man’s hamstrings before. They’re more tender than a slab of wagyu just off the fire.
As for that free-agent haul of linemen I salivated over up above, every single one of those players is either old, coming off an injury, or both. Kelly is an enormous upgrade over former C Garrett Bradbury, but if he goes down, we’re right back to the same problem the Vikings have had since 2017. And with DT Harrison Phillips traded to the Jets, the team is now reliant on unheralded guys like Jalen Redmond and Tyrion Ingram-Dawkins if the Allen/Hargrave duo can’t last 17 games. Did I also mention that star edge Andrew Van Ginkel has been MIA at practice for weeks now with an undisclosed injury? Or that the undisputed CB3 is Jeff Okudah? “Oh wow, Jeff Okudah has a kid in the league already?” you’re asking. No, that’s just Jeff Okudah. Stephon Gilmore will be back in the building by Labor Day.
More than any other team, last year’s Vikings prospered thanks to their opponents dropping an uncommon number of passes and committing an uncommon number of penalties against them. That sort of good fortune happens when you play both South divisions. The schedule isn’t anywhere near as welcoming this time around.
Everyone is being weird about the team’s male cheerleaders. We still don’t have a punt returner. Ivan Pace couldn’t cover the pass even if he were playing touch football. Dallas Turner is the worst kind of bust: a bust that still gets playing time. Lewis Cine has a Super Bowl ring.
What has always sucked: I just spent 2,000-plus words picking nits. Other fans would love to have the kind of problems the Vikings have. We’ve got the roster, the coaches, the owners, the training staff, and the front office all working in sync together. That’s no delusion. Ask around. The Vikings have managed to be one of the winningest franchises in NFL history despite never fully having their shit together. They’ve got their shit together now, which portends nothing but great things. Tell me I’m wrong.
LOL Drew: These are the Vikings. There. Argument over. The Vikings exist to look good before the gallows floor drops out on them. The reason I picked all of those nits is because those are the things that always, always, come back to bite this team in the ass in the end. The only Eagles and Falcons this team will ever beat are the ones that suicide themselves against the stadium’s glass roof. Our best QB ever is either a guy who played before Kennedy was shot, or one magical season from a washed-up Randall Cunningham.
I make fun of Wisconsinites for the looks, but our fans are just as liable to walk around the stadium concourse with their crooked-ass toes reaching out from their Tevas. They’re also allergic to confidence and will suffer a nervous breakdown the second that Will Reichard misses another figgie from inside 45 yards. And I can be like, “Well, I’m not like THOSE fans,” but I am. I’m not even a coherent Vikings fan. Watch for yourself. Pick on the Vikings and I turn into a WhineBot 5000 who attempts to make 20 different points all at the same time. Every time I think I’m right about the Vikings, everyone else turns out to be.
And guess what? I’m a hair away from 50. I am running out of time to see the Vikings win the NFC, much less the Super Bowl. So when I tell you this is finally our time, it’s just me trying to deny the Reaper lurking over in the corner, ready to take me out as surely as he’ll take out the kid’s other meniscus. I’m too dumb to recognize that my entire life as a sports fan has been a sunk cost, and I’ll only smarten up once I’m in the dirt. Fuck me. Maybe I should start drinking again.
The Eagles own us in perpetuity. The Twins should have been contracted. The Wolves are just as disappointing come playoff time as the Vikings are. Wild rice is profoundly overrated.
What might not suck: Here’s the one place I’m not delusional: The Vikings have some of the absolute best people still working the beat: Matthew Coller, Emily Leiker, Ben Goessling, Andrew Krammer, Kevin Seifert, old man Reusse, Judd Zulgad and the Purple Daily crew, Arif Hasan, and more. It doesn’t matter if they’re national, local, or independent. All of these people know their shit and make the Vikings a joy to follow. I even love Paul Allen, even though everyone outside of Minneapolis can’t stand him.
Also, the kid is for real. We’re winning the Super Bowl. I’m not wrong. Fuck you.
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